For a decent melody.

conservation conversation

2010-02-09T19:03:00.002+01:00

somethings we keep
or the things i let go
like a wrinkle on skin
or a footprint in the snow
human dynamics,
you leave me standing still.

What was I waiting for?

2010-01-21T22:54:00.003+01:00

I come from one of the poorest, most populated and corrupt countries in the world. No matter which "societal class" someone in Bangladesh belongs to, every single person has at some point or the other had a brush with the struggles inherent to such harsh realities. I can't imagine how someone can turn away.

refreshing memory

2009-12-19T07:06:00.003+01:00

my insides are being ripped apart right now...while it hurts, its comforting because its proof that im alive and that every day there will be something or the other that i'll have to deal with. if somethings you hope were more than temporary, but they aren't you don't have to worry, change will always be constant. and this too shall pass.

thoughts meander like a restless wind inside a letterbox

2009-12-14T08:06:00.002+01:00

I think part of the claim on life is the knowledge of what one is, of what one does, of what one wants; And to freely, utterly and completely acknowledge this is a step that is vital to personal sanity. I feel calm when I know where I stand - and by that I don't mean where I stand in relation to an event or people, rather in relation to my attitude, feeling, emotion, whatever you may call it, to that event or person. In truth, I confuse it with detachment, whereas it really just is delving deeper into yourself and how you are connected to all that is around you. And I think this is what I think of every time someone mentions that God is inside each of us. I better find a way of communicating to him that I don't want him to leave =)

Der Zeit

2009-12-14T03:57:00.004+01:00

I think I'm losing sense of time.
Not the time on your wrist,
Not the time ticking faster than the gecko-on-your-wall
Not the time in seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years, and now two decades
Rather the time in life
The time that you live, with your heart pumping at its threshold
The time that gains as much credibility as the faith I lose in myself.

Comes and Goes -- Dido

2009-12-07T02:23:00.001+01:00

Some days I want love and some days I don't
Sometimes I can feel it and suddenly it's gone
Some days I can tell you the truth and some days I just don't

Only a change of mood
Sun goes down
Someone says something too quick or too soon

A touch not made
One made too late
Armies of words cannot hope to contain

Then it comes and it goes
And I have no control

Some days I can think clear and some days I won't
Sometimes I can feel it and suddenly it's gone
Some days I am strong and some days my skin's broken and thin

That's when it feels and it takes what it needs
And it leaves before I get to know

It's only a step away
Moments that armies of words cannot hope to contain

Then it comes and it goes
And I can't make it home

And there's nothing at home
And it breaks me when it goes

Some days I want love and some days I don't
Sometimes I can feel it and suddenly it's gone
Some days I can tell you the truth and some days I just don't

Only a change of mood
Dream comes out
Someone tells something to quick or too soon

A move not made
One made too late
Armies of words cannot hope to contain

Then it comes and it goes
And I seem to hope

And there's nothing at home
And it breaks me when it goes

sudden alchemy!

2009-12-01T05:47:00.001+01:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fUY8CQ08PRM

Life's Lessons

2009-11-30T05:28:00.000+01:00

So let it out and let it in, hey, Jude, begin

You're waiting for someone to perform with

And don't you know that it's just you, hey, Jude,

You'll do, the movement you need is on your shoulder

Ambivalence

2009-11-29T06:10:00.002+01:00

We get ahead of ourselves in so many ways. It is in our nature to get “used to” things, to the extent that more often than not, subconsciously we end up expecting it to be the norm. The sad thing about this is, with all the uncertainty (and therefore for many, the incentive for adventure) this adaptation leads to disappointment when it doesn’t deliver as you expect. What’s more sad is that we generally know that it’s coming.

Question

2009-11-26T21:09:00.004+01:00

Treading on water
Slipping on stone
Everyday - a little farther from home
Goodwill, straight face, and hollow shapes in dim light.
So powerful! I envy you.
You stay still, yet by you, I'm moved.
All across the world.

Its unnerving.

2009-11-26T08:01:00.003+01:00

Have you thought about how much we rely on the compassion of others?

mm hmm

2009-11-17T03:56:00.004+01:00

i can't believe im getting this lame...but what an awesome song!
"everybody sees its you...well i never want to lose that view." :)

Pick your Poison...

2009-11-09T21:56:00.003+01:00

There IS such a thing as a free lunch.

An Eternal Design

2009-11-09T21:31:00.002+01:00

Sharing with the world
And sharing the world,
Unwillingly and Readily.
Genuine and Breaking Even.

A soul to soak
A face to remember.
A beautiful girl,
And a woman's charm.
Lets, leap, to touch the clouds.

A vision so clear,
Thoughts, fantastic and words, strong
Its a simple life
For the stone that sends ripples through a still pond.
No memories of having been the waterfall.

Straight road and a bumpy ride
Hands on the wheel and
Wonderfully reckless.
Faster than light,
to Infinite heights.
Like obsessively following the Challenger's disintegration.
Glamorous -
Burnt Alive.

It's almost perfect.
A toast to the questions that remain.

so...

2009-11-05T06:40:00.002+01:00

Hype...I can't believe it can actually define the shape of someone's life. Once in a while, you run into something, that has the ability to turn the world up side down. And as you dangle in all kinds of uncertainty, you've just let go of all that defined you to begin with. And its all because someone somewhere was dumb enough to let the hype get carried away.

Impatience

2009-11-04T01:28:00.001+01:00

Like a loaded gun.

!

2009-11-04T00:02:00.002+01:00

It just hit me...people around me and I have changed beyond my imagination. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zt1qaCOkU8E&feature=related

Lily

2009-10-29T21:01:00.003+01:00

I remember you,
The very first day that you smiled at me, baring your gums
It rained outside, but I was dry and warm.
I know you,
You told me what its like to grow up in two homes,
Doing most of the growing up
In a suitcase
And while we were together, I WAS you.
You wore those sneakers, black and blue
You spoke through your teeth
I'm sure you still do
You liked the spotlight and I ran away
But somehow you'd always bring me back at your side,
Behind the shrubs in the park
Hunting for poisonous mushrooms
By the beach where we found that fossil
Archaeologists, out in the world, never waiting.
You shared with me your first taste of youth
Jealousy and love, bittersweet with trust
I still think you gave me a personality
Or did I grow my own?
Though with time and space, we're in a different race
I still know you.
I'm still drawn to you.
Intrigued as always.
Except this time, I'm going to be far away.
Live the life in you
'Cause I know there's lots.

It really isn't 8.08 am

2009-10-29T07:51:00.003+01:00

I was recalling an interesting experience today. One bright sunny rain-washed afternoon, I was sitting in the corner of a classroom full of people learning how to manage time well, when something happened. I was facing the speaker, with a friend on the right and someone else behind when all of a sudden I seemed to be moving far away from the people around me. It seemed like I was "gravitating" towards the window. My peripheral vision was dimming to the right and the front and the presenter was getting out of focus. The sunlight streaming in was growing brighter and brighter and I had an incredible urge to get up and look out the window and I thought I was going to see Neuschwanstein shimmering down from where I was. Of course this may have been the effects of a some greens from the pipe, but I felt a burst of expectation. At the same time, whatever was to my right and my front became dark walls. Again, it may have just been an exaggeration of the blackboards on either side, but I felt like I was being cut off from the rest of the world and something was telling me to take this opportunity, take this opportunity dammit, to get up and run and find.......find someplace...find somewhere else to go to. I snapped out of my strange state of whatever it was, and thought for a moment about where I was and what I was doing.

Its strange how people do stupid things to themselves and to others around them. The question I asked was whether I was justified. If in my mind I can't find that I have a right to be so, then certainly there's no argument to whether or not I am. If I am in a time and place where I am meant to be, but I feel like I should not be there, and if my reasons are strong enough then yes, I am justified. I wish though that as a person I had better judgement of time; and by that I mean it would be wonderful if I could grasp the ideas of what is temporary and what could go beyond. Its such a strange world.

addition to the soundtrack?

2009-10-28T20:40:00.000+01:00

http://www.imeem.com/artists/kid_cudi/music/zNfvSNxR/kid-cudi-pursuit-of-happiness-nightmare/

ton corps caché, metéore illuminé

2009-10-24T23:25:00.003+02:00

To think that we are all consumed by the trivial problems in our daily lives, when some people go through painful experiences that you can't change, like losing a loved one, and which if you dwell on, will never bring you any consolation...its unnerving.

Beauty

horizon swallowed you by
and i was no longer home
a sip, a sin, and a sigh
and we slow danced alone

you smiled somewhere
and our lives changed
i found i could share
the things i never could say

someday
you will find me
and i'll follow you
endless

together we'll be
green light across the blue
don't run
though i'd run anyway
for this love of ours

at peace
shining silver or grey
i'll join you in the stars

i will find you
ton corps caché
metéore illuminé

i will find you

even if it lasts an hour!

2009-10-24T23:11:00.000+02:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wAaeKo09ey8&feature=related

2009-10-16T07:07:00.000+02:00

the best thing in the world is to be assured and funny enough it doesn't matter how.

2009-10-14T10:01:00.002+02:00

I think I can finally tell the difference between what is real and what isn't. Or at least I have an explanation that seems reasonable as of this moment, in relation to the circumstances. A way to look at it is that anything which has a lasting impression on someone's heart, mind, or body is real. I cut my finger while slicing tomatoes- its real pain; an ingenious idea and I'm ready to put it into action- its the birth of a new perspective; a parting of ways- its withdrawing from the act of giving real affection. All these changes, if they leave you feeling changed, must certainly have existed for you, to have caused the change. Its all real. Every conversation, every thought, every moment of excitement, trauma, desperation, anxiety, relief, joy, epiphany, hope, reason and love, every act of kindness, every urge of malice, every promise and every breaking of promise - it all adds to a person's story. And a person is real, and has a right to what and how they feel. I was forgetting I have a right to be happy, to not fear a personal collapse and to be comfortable in my own skin. This is reality, I might as well embrace it.

Note to Self

2009-10-07T06:06:00.002+02:00

Choice is a split-second deal
With yourself and the world
And when the heart's not in it
All there is to do is to pace yourself
One day, one minute, one breath at a time
Until the quicksand gives
And you swim out, because you can.

bittersweet, you're gonna be the death of me

2009-10-04T18:01:00.003+02:00

Why are we afraid of the dark? Its because we can't see what's there. I can't stress enough on how important it is to be able to see things for the way they are. Everyday you learn something..whether its something new, something that has always been there but just not obvious or something you don't even want to know. In any case, I've decided perception is such a bitch.

2009-09-28T18:28:00.002+02:00

To put yourself in someone else's shoes is more difficult than I thought. Sure it helps if you know them well enough, but then again, "enough" is such a relative concept. Separating everything in the world to 2 ends of a spectrum: positive and negative, good and bad, black and white or yes and no, and assuming one can have only 2 kinds of reactions to either extremes still doesn't simplify it "enough" to give us some direction for choice- the probability of every combination is the same. In any case, things would be so much easier if I could stop being so caught up in my world, my own issues with life, MY problems, MY desires, MY needs...MY MY MY. Its my new resolution to stop obsessing with all that is about and around myself. I want to walk in someone else's shoes.

Je pense a tes yeux

2009-09-25T00:45:00.003+02:00

Ideally there should be no difference between thought and action; yet on a regular basis, we say one thing, do another. I've always thought that some part of us, some gesture, a subtle twitch perhaps, a soft involuntary sigh, well, some part of us should give it away. Some people say its in the eyes. I like them sparkling, inquiring, speaking. But I've been mistaken too often. If only we could read minds. *Sigh*

Bee Bee Arrrr

2009-09-15T08:02:00.002+02:00

What is in a name? A couple of letters...tongue against the walls of your mouth, and a whole country's existence. Now usually I have no business agreeing with anyone who ends with a "Chunnu" but come to think of it, I have to ask what for and why now? Our redundancy is reaching an un-surmountable level these days. While making headlines about how an Eid greeting card was signed "audaciously", I wonder who had time to think about how Teknaf is getting a new look, forget a new name! 30,000 Jhau trees cut down in 7 days. And what may the implications of that be? Oh not a whole lot, except there is going to be fewer impediments to all those mighty hurricanes and tornadoes which make us (in)famous in geography books. Certainly the fact that the next time some natural calamity terrorizes coastal inhabitants forcing them to evacuate to inadequate (sometimes non-existent) shelters and watch their lives get washed away is not a concern when there are insignias and uniform emblems to be changed! We don't need to change names. We don't need to change the face of the country's leadership just yet. We need a change of attitude and a change in the range of our vision. Yes, I think that it is ridiculous to be changing the BDR name to BBR or the BCFCC to B-bandhu Int. BlaBla simply because its unnecessary. But its just as unnecessary to be fussing about it. The monkey can't be sliding down the bamboo stick forever.

But I'll answer the question anyway. What is in a name? Your perception of the named. And sometimes its amazing.

tuesday morning

2009-08-11T17:25:00.000+02:00

translation of a very lovely song:

Le Vent Nous Portera((The wind will carry us))

I'm not scared of the road
We should see, must taste
From meander in the hollow of your breast
And there everything will be ok
The wind will carry us

Your message to Ursa Major
And the trajectory of your race
An instant of velvet
Even if it's not useful though
The wind will take it away
Everything will disappear but
The wind will carry us

The caress and the grapeshot
And that wound that tears us apart
The palace of everyday
From yesterday and tomorow
The wind will carry them

The genetic in shoulder-belt
Chromosomes in the atmosphere
Taxis for galaxies
And my flying carpet says ?
The wind will take it away
Everything will disappear but
The wind will carry us

This perfume of our dead years
What can knock at your door
Infinity of destinies
We lay some but what do we retain?
The wind will take it away

During the tide rises
And everyone is doing its accounts
I take in the hollow of your shadow
Dusts of you
The wind will carry them
Everything will disappear but
The wind will carry us.

The point being??

2009-08-07T08:34:00.003+02:00

Idolatry- its everywhere. A daily phenomenon on the idiot box. But step out of the world of glitz and glam, power and power-play and what do you find? People are blind as bats! Oh for all I am complaining about, I happen to be one them. So what is it that draws the curtains across our screens and makes the shadows from the stage behind seem larger than life? Its tiring really and continually disappointing. I don't know, but in my case (and hopefully in most cases) its always been the endless need to find positive stuff, something to look forward/up to. I suppose that its a good mechanism. But recently I've become the mistress of moping, so right now even the "blind as a bat syndrome" is ticking me off; more so because its not working! On a side note though, bats aren't blind; they're possibly great nighttime navigators with all their echo-tracking-superpowers-and-what-not.

Prayer II

2009-07-03T06:40:00.004+02:00

Not of consequence,
Neither out of spite,
Never for true need,
Its certainly not my right.

Time sweet, bitter-slow;
Speed up, raise the bar
Lest the divine fruit becomes hollow
Drying up to leave my empty shells
In the way of the moment.

Repercussions of the ouch.

2009-06-30T06:38:00.002+02:00

You know, I usually go and dig my own grave. It comes very naturally and its quite unfortunate that its the only thing I'm good at. No, this is not a self-pity piece; in fact, people who wallow in misery, feeling sorry for themselves just tick me off. What I'm trying to do right now is to figure things out; project the anger into something positive, if I may say so (its a shame this sounds like teenage angst).

So here's the dealio. I'm unhappy at this moment, and I thoroughly dislike being in the state. Our natural instinct as humans when we face our troubles is to find the quickest and most effective solution. Some of us are good problem solvers, and a whole bunch of us just involuntarily suck at it. I'm not sure which category I fall into, more so because the problems have categories themselves. But in general, I find a way out of it somehow...sometime. This time though, the problem is that I can't seem to identify the problem, let alone find a solution.

No that's a lie. I know what the problem is. Its perception. Well, sort of.

See, there's no rule book on life (and really thank heavens there isn't),so there's hardly anything happening to and around us that is set in stone. I find it difficult to identify what is real and what isn't. And I don't mean the difference between tangible and imaginary. I mean, take one event...it happened, it had some form of an effect on you. But heck, can you trust what you felt? Can you act "according" to it as though you are justified to base your thoughts on something that has the potential to not be what you think it to be? For one thing, the way I see something happen is (in most cases) different from how someone else would see it. Whose point of view is valid if the event is in itself meant to be perceived. Or well, not even "meant" to be perceived. Was it even supposed to have had an effect on you? Was is real, was it true? Darn, my event has an existential dilemma. If its true for me, and its not for another, then what is the nature of the event?

I don't know. Sometimes a statement that simple, which leads to no answer is as frustrating as comforting. And there you go...another instance that raises questions about reality and truth.

seething

2009-06-28T03:44:00.002+02:00

.....so you're not on home turf.
but where the fuck is home turf?

a great song

2009-06-27T05:21:00.001+02:00

Free As A Bird
Lennon/McCartney/Harrison/Starkey

Free as a bird,
it's the next best thing to be.
Free as a bird.

Home, home and dry,
like a homing bird I'll fly
as a bird on wings.

Whatever happened to
the life that we once knew?
Can we really live without each other?

Where did we lose the touch
that seemed to mean so much?
It always made me feel so...

Free as a bird,
like the next best thing to be.
Free as a bird.

Home, home and dry,
like a homing bird I'll fly
as a bird on wings.

Whatever happened to
the life that we once knew?
Always made me feel so free.

Free as a bird.
It's the next best thing to be.
Free as a bird.
Free as a bird.
Free as a bird.

prayer

2009-06-11T15:00:00.003+02:00

lets fall out, let go, easy
lest the tyranny of bygones makes today unbearable.

Too much life running through veins, going to waste.

2009-06-08T20:42:00.005+02:00

A red exit sign startled me today and I couldn't help smiling as I made my way towards the door. Come to think of it, a bright crimson on a stop or yield sign tells you to come to a halt or to at least slow down. In an emergency situation, a red exit sign hanging over the door will surely catch your attention, but should you slow down or come to a stop or should you blast through the exit to escape fires, tsunamis, mad axe-murderers or perhaps the voices in your head (don't judge me, we've all been there)? Europe and its green exit signs did change me in certain ways. More to come on the time of my 20-years-worth-of-life...

plus the discoveries from a long night's conversation.

Melancholy

2009-05-22T00:51:00.003+02:00

We have done this before,
I'm no stranger to goodbyes
But each time is a stretch more difficult
A more bitter taste in my mouth
Its been ripped apart in so many ways that you'd think...
That you'd almost wish
It didn't exist.
Searing, burning, flaming bits of me
Inside
A tired phoenix beginning to lose its voice
One less day on the line
One less soul who makes sure you're fine
In the grand scheme of His Majesty's Vice
That's no grief worth the second thought
But its all I can think about.

planes and trains and cars and no destination!

2009-05-15T17:04:00.003+02:00

i walk in and they play our song...and i think that its lame. mega lame.
but i go back and listen to it anyway.

The dice was loaded from the start?

2009-04-29T23:47:00.000+02:00

The very moment that stops making a difference

Is the dawn of a process of realization.

As slow as essential.

It’s almost like standing at the edge

Watching the fatal break of waves

When really it’s time to lift up the eyes

And believe in a horizon.

Icy fingers wrapped around aching ribs

Beloved why are you so cold?

Answers sought, and never found

Only a mind’s turmoil turns the world upside down.

A slow song

A friend’s voice

A solo note ringing in my ears.

False warmth makes our bones weak

Where will I find the support we need

To push everything aside?

thin invisible steel

2009-03-31T16:26:00.002+02:00

No one ever said it would be this hard, to try
and not notice, the life that burns in the eyes
the spirit that dances in my steps
every single time
the world, it lays sighing under the sun
waiting for us to discover
alone, and together
I wish I wasn't so........human
susceptible to the breeze in my hair, the bounce in my thought
wrapped in the tangle of wishes
difficult configurations
of all things inevitably impossible
leave me be

oh no! please don't....
i'd rather have the thin invisible steel.

"If you go, as I know you will, you must tell the world to stop turning"

2009-03-28T23:16:00.002+01:00

The world has stopped turning, and without a word from you
The expressions once so familiar, now as we talk of something new
Pull at something invisible, something that I've made invincible
And its hard to think back and find the thread we had dropped
All that was and could have been has stopped
Us, dead on the track that ran blindly into an end
Left behind, alone, shivering, too tired to mend
Until today, after long enough, when our paths coincided by coincidence.

Oh what a strange world, within.

Oh well

2009-02-25T23:03:00.003+01:00

So I guess that's it: one more evolution. And its a subtle kind of pain this time, but one that you're fully aware of experiencing. Losing the trail of one's own ideology in these kind of cases may be common, but truth lies in the fact that this WILL HAPPEN, time and again.

I lost my camera, but a blog could save some memories.

2009-02-13T02:37:00.004+01:00

So I'm in Berlin today. Excellent; even though the day started out with a doubtful 7 am wake up-and-put-on-the-make-up, things were smooth for the most part. We toured the city on a bus, all thirty five of us with the same number of back-packs and my rather large piece of luggage. The guide was as informative as one could wish for. Our first stop was at the Brandenburg Gate where I immediately had the urge to listen to some Black Violin simply because of remembering their rendition of a song of the same name. It was lovely, touristy, grand without being imposing and possibly my favorite site in the city (thus far). Before coming to the gate, we took a walk through the Holocaust Memorial, and like many others before and with me, I had the impression of a grave site. It was rather thought-provoking to walk in between countless caption-less grey rectangular cement structures. I felt that it was perfect as a memorial simply because it could give one the idea that in effect, this is what it must have been like to be one of the six million nameless and faceless victims who had no identity to their aggressors other than being prey. The air felt to me to be intensely calm. Hats off to modern-day Germans for erecting the memorial though, its a respectful gesture no matter what history has drawn in bloodshed. Our next stop was at the Berliner Dom, and I must say, this is the first time I have ever consciously appreciated something of its scale so much. The inside of the church was incredibly elaborate and tantalizingly lavish. We did not stop at any other venues on Museum Island, but I truly cannot help but wonder how rich and invigorating culture, tradition the and human creation and presentation of it all can be. Wow. I can imagine living in this city and going insane with the excitement of exploration on a brilliant summers day.

I experienced only a little bit of Berlin's other characteristics....the nightlife. We went out to dinner with the professors, and later on to a couple of bars in the area. The hotel is not in the most exciting part of town, but its not too shabby either. It was mellow and for the first evening engaging enough.

I am at a cross-roads where emotion and reality-bites-so-i've-to-be-fucken-practical puts me on the spot (like on many other evenings, I might say). But thats another story, an implied one that I'm far too scared to commit to words. So this much will have to do for now. I am quite ready to sleep and snore like my roomie right now im der comfy hotel bett!

... (II)

2009-02-11T13:16:00.002+01:00

It's probably a very bad idea to think about this, but I can't help but wonder what really happened.

Its a bright rain-washed day, the kind that makes you think of another place in another time. That's one of my idiotic tendencies. Lately I've been trying to live "life in the moment" and not dwell on things, and have been sort of successful; but then there are those days, on which you need to find something to hold on to, something that defines your past and puts a shade on your present. The problem is, there are gaps in the story that won't be filled, and so I'm just here, right now as something blowing in the wind.

A little less.

2009-02-05T00:26:00.005+01:00

Its easy to pretend to be detached, unaffected and smooth
In a room full of people who'll forget your name by the end of the night
But its just as easy to shield from your beloved, show not your weakest light
Then what is the difference between you and me and us?
A few more words, a few shared thoughts?
The few kept close, the few that is tearing me apart?
The subject is humble tonight, and all that's asked for is a ration of emotion.

The call -- Regina Spektor

2009-02-01T17:52:00.001+01:00

It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word
And then that word grew louder and louder
'Til it was a battle cry

I'll come back
When you call me
No need to say goodbye

Just because everything's changing
Doesn't mean it's never
Been this way before
All you can do is try to know
Who your friends are
As you head off to the war
Pick a star on the dark horizon
And follow the light

You'll come back
When it's over
No need to say good bye

Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and no one knows yet
But just because they can't feel it too
Doesn't mean that you have to forget
Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
'Til they're before your eyes

You'll come back
When they call you
No need to say good bye

2009-02-01T03:07:00.003+01:00

i wish the beads would come together and form an ocean
but i wish it were an ocean of beads.

i'm in my floater-mode, surely tomorrow morning i'll take this a little less seriously.

Shivers, but in a good way

2009-01-28T23:40:00.004+01:00

I had a very nice day today, but I can't quite put my finger on the reason. Things happened as planned throughout the day for the regular study abroad kids from Lafayette at Bremen. We started off the morning with meeting the college masters and college office managers, who in general are either professors or staff taking care of the four large dorms in which we all live. The day rolled on with meeting more new people: counselors and such. Right after lunch, my friends decided to go to the Deutsche Bank somewhere in Vegesack. I tagged along, thinking about opening a bank account or changing money. Although the purpose of the trip didn't turn out to be successful, we did a decent research into cell phone purchasing options. I couldn't quite get the feel for navigating around the area, but in anycase I usually never get to know a place without exploring it all on my own...you know, the whole getting lost and finding my way drill. It was fun though just walking around, being slightly childish, slightly tourist-ish, and slightly German!
Having had only a couple of hours sleep last night, I napped in the afternoon, something which I haven't done in ages (so surely now I will be wide awake to the early hours of the morning).

The nap was refreshing and I was all ready to enjoy the semi-formal dinner the intercultural office had invited all the new kids to at the cafeteria in my dorm. We had the regular food, but in skirts and shirts and ties and boots, wine and with new people from Jacobs. It was interesting watching people and being congenial and all that. I found someone who knows the sort of music I like (and doesn't give it some generic term) and thats always a good sign. Right now I'm listening to the recommended Cut Copy and I have to say, its a trippy sort with the potential to have produced something I could maybe have on replay sometime.

Afterwards there was a social event to integrate the Lafayette and Jacobs students over foosball, ping pong, pool, cookies and beer. Its slightly awkward if you think about it, just walking in somewhere full of unknown people especially since I'm terrible at playing people on these games and would surely bore someone with my less than competitive nature. Anyhow, it was fun though, finding some new people to hang out with. In all my social experiments the trend remains that I'm somewhat volatile. Oh well, I suppose so is everyone. With a longer time frame factored in though, its a whole other ball game, with fewer variables but heavier concepts like affection. We won't go into that, just because I've decided to be on safe-mode for as long as possible.

...

2009-01-28T02:47:00.001+01:00

My life is a patchwork quilt of time, spaces, faces, highs, lows and every song you ever heard.

Trying to soak it in.

2009-01-26T22:38:00.010+01:00

Across oceans, mountains, clouds and several time zones, I'm here: finally in Europe. No actually, not "finally", lets replace that with a happier "at last". In any case, Europe it is, after a rather smooth eight hour flight from Newark to Frankfurt followed by a connecting flight to Bremen in northern Germany. I was traveling with the rest of the people on the study abroad program this semester, and we began our journey from the airport gate B62 waiting lounge in Newark. For the most part of it I was snug in my window seat next to another Italian passenger, who fell asleep watching TV, while I struggled to make my touch screen work, and in all failed attempt fell asleep as well. With my new short hair, I cannot deny that I look much like a twelve year old girl and so I according to me I should not deny the caring treatment I get from others such as this particular man who took it upon himself to stow my luggage and fuss over my dis-functional personal TV. All in all, I walked into Frankfurt Flughafen in the early hours of the day when the sun had only just suggested its presence in the horizon, content with the first leg of my journey. The customs and immigration in Frankfurt took a while, but we arrived sometime in advance anyway at the new gate after having walked what felt like several kilometers of airport. The sun had come up by then and we could see through the glass windows, the aircrafts reflecting the morning rays: giant birds basking in the warm light of dawn. I took a few pictures, spoke to a few people on the flight as I tried to shrug off the tiredness from packing without sleeping and jet lagged traveling that could engulf me any seconf if I didn't stay active.

On the way to Bremen our plane taxied around for a longer time than usual because the pilots were observed the ice on the wings and successfully removed it. I read Victor Kravchenko all the way, getting more into the storyline as it develops past the first boring stretch of background material. We landed and was picked up by Jacobs Uni. representatives who arranged a double decker bus to take us and our luggage to the campus. When I stepped off the plane in Bremen, I was expecting to be greeted by the same lovely beams of molten sun, but instead felt myself surrounded by heavy, damp and foggy air. The rest of the day continued in the same state of affairs, except that we were all in a different setting from what we had been in throughout fall and the winter.

I slept on the bus next to a friend, and with rather irresponsive muscles, I got out of the bus everntuallt and into the campus. I got my keys and once everybody had had them, we made our way to our rooms with my student advisor carrying my suitcase to my dorm building in a sweat shirt, in below zero weather.

After lunch, and an informational presentation by Ires and her student co-worker, we got our "welcome packages" full of important papers, ID cards and instructional forms. I bought my bedding on credit and proceeded to figure out the way to my room without a guide. I found two very helpful men at the end and asked them for directions. It turned out that one of them was my next door neighbor. I went to visit him later in the evening when I was unable to open my front door with the rather snazzy transponder, but he wasn't there then. My room as I found it was quite inviting. Spacious, well-lit, furnished and clean, what more could I want? My roommate, whose shoes could be seen in front of her door, where they remained parked for the rest of the night was nowhere in sight. Our shared bathroom appeared to be in great shape too, with lovely fittings, matching tiles and a glass-door shower that made it look somewhat hotel-ish. More signs of my roommate's presence at some point in the appartment were indicated by the little while gloves she had left to dry on the heater.

I tried to set up my internet connection but it turned out that wireless only works in the common room and I needed a LAN cable to get things going. So I accompanied a few others and my student advisor on a trip by the local bus, which was free for college students, to the Hooven Haute mall about 10 minutes away. We had dinner together afterwards at College III cafetaria in a big group of Lafayette students. I did not like this sticking to ourselves attitude at all, but sat down with everyone anyway because we were technically supposed to have dinner with our student advisor. I was in the mood to get to know people at the college. Anyway, the dinner conversation centered a lot around how being able to buy alcohol legally in Germany at our age was a fantastic opportunity. While I do love to go out, drink and socialize without being restricted by age limits at events/venues, I do not approve of how to quite a few people, lots of good german beer any time and all the time was the highlight of this trip. It made me think about why I had come all the way to Bremen when I could just as easily have been getting on with my degree and taking more major-related courses at Lafayette. I think that what I want out of this trip is the entire experience, starting from exploring the rich heritage that reflects in the many cities and towns througout Europe to getting to know people of varied cultures across the region and forming friendships that transcend time, age, thoughts, ideas and all borders one can put under the category of incompatibility. Surely, there is no point moving around your bubble if you can't pop it at the boundaries when it touches something new and liberates you.

I went with my new friend-acquaintances to a local store and got my first legal french sweet red-wine upon the recommendation of a self proclaimed Moldovian wine connoisseur. I forgot the corkscrew opener though, but thats okay I suppose, because tomorrows a brand new day and someone I would never have imagined meeting might show me a brand new way to open it up.

The generic new year speech?

2009-01-01T06:11:00.000+01:00

Its 2009. I feel like a big LOL is appropriate here. I'm turning twenty one this year and graduating from college in two. And I've never felt more like a kid. If I were in a movie or something like that, this would be the point where I would be walking down a busy street in slow motion and everything would whoosh past. I'd give the audience a quizzical look as I drift off deep in thought about my life, time, space and a list of other obscure things in the universe.

So lets step back, and take a look at the year that was. 2008.

I think I'll just throw it out there, the year started out with a most painful heartbreak. Or so it seemed in January that I had hit rock bottom, smashed right through and was ready to bury myself someplace, never to be exhumed. Now I know I'm one who's prone to melodrama, so a lot of the times, its difficult for me to realize what's serious and what's subject to temporal changes. But this one was serious. I think. Of course there was no real drama after the deed had been done, but for the messy tub of emotions that I am, it took a while to adjust to being unwanted. To go off topic for a bit, I believe in life (for the lack of a better word) after death. This has nothing to do with religion and God. Its more like, the energy that makes blobs of hydrocarbons into living-breathing creatures must be conserved, and not lost. Therefore it can only be transferred from one form to another and in this case, from our bodies to some other vessel in (perhaps) some other time-space axes. The point being that by nature, absolute termination is unnatural! So that's why I'm justified for taking my time to roll up the sleeves and move on. I had thought relationships (not just the intimate kind) would work the same way and change forms over time instead of disappear altogether. Oh well, I think the tag line for all of this is: You live and you learn. I like how the thought suggests....resilience.

Anyhow, as the months rolled by, I experienced my first east-coast winter and survived. Twelve-hour bus rides to Toronto and back in negative temperatures, to visit family up north was worth it too, because well, family is family. Thankfully, school and everything that comes along with it took up enough time to distract me from thinking too much about unfortunate events earlier in the year.

Its funny how you don't notice or speak to an acquaintance for a long time, until on the one day that you do...it just clicks. New friends and different ways to look at the world- thats what I live for isn't it? To do all the things I have not done before.

Spring came and with it, some confusion. The big picture: What was I going to do with my life? I decided maybe research was an option. That also meant a trade off because I would not get to go home over summer and have to stay in school to work with the prof. My parents got me tickets for a two-week vacation at home anyway, and so I made my first 24-hour plane journey alone back to Dhaka at the beginning of summer. It was the same and it was different. Same people, same place and a different time. On a couple of occasions I felt like a guest in my own house and those were odd experiences. By the time I got back, I was recharged with home-food, family-love and good Bengali music.

In school, the research involved working by my own schedule...you know, taking my own sweet time to do things. And God knows, I'm one to be a hedonist, and avoid work as long as possible. But, I did find my own time I guess (no matter how late and how much of cramming it involved).

Summer was an interesting experience. It was for the most part slow, but every now and then something happened to change the pace. I met friends and met strangers, everyone had a story and bit of them wove into mine. I think I got some practice in letting go of my inhibitions over these few months of summertime. Also, I figured out some odd things about myself: I like attention, I like not being given attention, and I don't like attention from every person once I get it. Its an odd mix, but I don't mind, it can often actually work as a good filter. I learned to "filter" over summer as well. It all ended fairly well though, and with a two-week trip to South America too. I wish I had learned to speak Spanish when I was younger.

As school started, life went back to rushing around and dealing with deadlines and homework. I can think of bits and pieces of the various experiences. 4 am-talks with a friend, tri-delta t-shirts, cards and drinks, gray plastic bins and pvc, philadelphia, virtual conversations, armin, dancing alone and then not dancing alone. Its been a good mix.

So today, I spent new years eve with the 4-am friend, doing nothing. Its another day, its another year. I'm looking forward to going to Germany soon. This will be my first proper visit to Europe, well mainland Europe anyway. I'm excited. So yeah, thats how 2008 ended for me. Expectations, not more, not less, just different. I guess morning doesn't always show the day.

Implosion

2008-12-22T04:10:00.001+01:00

In your sleep
When you think you've seen the truth
And you wake up in a sweat
Your blood boiling,
That's when you know
Its begun
A well rehearsed dance
Of three and a half billion years.

2008-12-16T09:18:00.000+01:00

"Take all.
Leave nothing behind....not even me."

2008-12-12T05:39:00.001+01:00

Playing my game and you're better at it than I am. Damn!

I'd like to punch a hole through you like that too.

2008-12-11T06:46:00.001+01:00

I'm not sure what's worse. To be hit by the brute force of it? Or to let it gnaw at your soul till all the feeling has numbed and you don't even know anymore about what it is that is killing your spirit? I'm surprised why somethings persist when theres no absolutely no purpose.

2008-12-08T01:46:00.000+01:00

"khudro asha niye royeche bachiye shoda ei bhabona
ja kichu pai, haraye jai, na maney shantona.."

The hour at hand.

2008-12-07T09:25:00.000+01:00

There's NOTHING like pushing your limits. Whether its physical, mental or emotional, the adrenaline rush of having discovered that you've crossed your own boundaries is enough to set the thought process on fire. And boy, how I enjoy that!

So it snowed today-the first snowfall of the season. I took a walk in the dead of the night and in the finger-numbing cold, alone. There's been a lot on my mind lately, mostly to do with the amount of work I have (left) to do before break and a bunch of other things that should in general take the back seat, but as always, never do. The snow on the ground was somewhat feeble. I could see blades of grass sticking out from beneath a thin layer of white powder. There's something you can do with your eyes, and I'm not sure exactly how its done, but you can sort of lose focus, and make things look slightly blurry. I've always enjoyed doing it on purpose because then street lamps and other sources of illumination appear to be balls of lights that are often of several different shades. Surely, its not a good practice for the eye sight, but with the snow on the ground it looked like I was walking on stretches of salt and pepper. It was beautiful, and to be a bit cliched, almost magical. And certainly with no body else walking around so late in the vicinity, I felt exhilarated to be the sole living, breathing being in a world so quiet and pristine. I felt alive. Part of the reason for this walk was because I wanted to clear my head, regroup the thoughts, find a plan of action to ease the troubled mind. And it was mind numbingly cold as I walked, depriving my lungs of air and breathing out smoke.

I took the longer route back home though, with extra steps to take before reaching the warmth of my bed for the night. Teeth chattering, eyebrows furrowed and one hand curled up in my pocket, it was as though I was in a different world, with no one else, waiting, waiting a bit longer than usual to enter the realm of the normal. And it was strangely quiet with the trees bare of leaves that would have rustled to keep me company on a similar summer night in another time frame. I couldn't stay out too long, but I wanted to make it as long as possible.

I was enjoying the solitude, until I walked past the skeleton of a tree, casting a long shadow on the snow, under the light of a lamp. All at once, a squirrel popped out of no where and took one quick glance at me and made me aware of its presence. What was it doing up and about this late at night? I snapped out of my slow reverie and thought for a moment about all the things I have left to discover-all the people, places, sights, sounds, smells, names and faces that I won't even imagine to be existing are just beyond the scope of this present moment. And what a wonderful feeling it is to be surprised by an unexpected encounter that signifies the possibility of even more. Why does the mind always look for symbolic things in the very mundane?

I'm not entirely sure, what the point of my ramblings are, but thats just it-tomorrows another day, another chance to try, another way to find excitement in the ordinary, another reason to step out from my circle, and maybe even walk into yours.

When I got home, my converse were wet, my feet cold and my jaws locked into each other. I can't wait to live every moment and breathe in deep, touch the untouchable and hear the absolutely silent.

2008-12-03T09:03:00.001+01:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6pWTVwoecog&feature=related

Self-preservation

2008-11-27T03:21:00.000+01:00

Oh who do you think you are?
Soaring, when Atlas struggles to hold up your heavens?
And what kind of a balance is that?
Blindfolded, you tip your scales for the reckless?

The lives you live, do they answer your heart?

Step away, its time you stop to listen
And listen to stop
Come back, its first a resolution and then a restart

What sums us up in a few lines can't be what you've been waiting for.

I'm happy you enjoy the false warmth of the winter sun
But who'll break the winds, shred your skin to bits, numb your toes and crack your lips?
Only instinct justifies my concerns.

More Than These Words

2007-12-28T06:40:00.000+01:00

Coming to terms

2007-12-20T04:32:00.001+01:00

I’ve never watched a sunset over water

I’ve never seen the shore

With all that flows from toe to toe

I will wonder for ever more

Are you afraid to come find me?

Or don’t you even care?

I came, I wept and when I slept in your arms

My grief, did you not share?

I don’t quite understand.

You look into the mirror and it is you staring back at me.